MY SWEET TART

Today’s hangover is being slowly demolished by Cheesy Wotsits, a mouthful of water then lemonade then water (etc etc) and a couple of Chupa Chups.

Of course this isn’t scientifically proven to cure ones blistering headache and cat vomit taste in mouth, but self-belief is 80% the cure and 20% partial nausea I can cope with.

As I wandered into the corner shop and stared at the kaleidescope of sweets on the counter, I realised that it’s not really so much about the sweet but more like ‘what’s in it for me post-sugar rush?’ Which is an entirely selfish and demanding manner of enjoyment. Dude, you just got half your daily calories and three cavities from that, now you want an Etch A Sketch and a ticket to Honolulu? You’re 12!

If I recall correctly I spent my paltry pocket money on lengthy tubes of sherbert, Burger Rings and Bubble O’Bills. Oh they were good. Ice-cream with the visage of a cowboy, a hole in his hat where some anti-moustache activist with a prejudice against camp  bovine rustlers had taken a pot shot and a nose made of a piece of bubble gum. The bubble gum was shit – it went jaw breakingly hard within ten minutes and you couldn’t really blow bubbles either but it didn’t matter. Summer was synonymous with Bill. The end.

Now for some reason it’s all about making your food have character. Why? Just eat it. I don’t want to buy a steak and then have a badge/t-shirt/plastic cow ring to show that I’ve been nomming on the meaty stuff. And so goes for sweets.

This M&M fan could be source of all evil (ok, for legal reasons it’s not, but go with me). Firstly, aren’t the M&M pieces male on the adverts. So here they are dolled up like Priscilla Queen of the Dessert (pun! pun!) and this is what? PC? Opening M&M’s to a previously closed transvestite market?

Actually, it just looks like this is bad merch for Jodie Foster’s character in Taxi Driver. Give the little green M&M a floppy hat and some blonde hair and it’ll be going for DeNiro’s trouser zipper in a heartbeat! Or is it Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? Show me your chocolate beaver? Wooooo stop right there! Get back to basics, people. Bill would want you to!