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Tough Love: First World Problems

Tough Love: First World Problems

By: Sam Hill

A problem shared is a problem someone else knows about. This edition’s Agony Uncle is Sam Hill, who’s kinder than a Kinder egg except in print. Here are your first world problems…

Dear Disorder,

I’m a recent university graduate and seem to have never-ending financial issues, a problem for which I cannot find a solution. I currently work about 60 hours through two different jobs. I was told going to university gets you ahead in life and helps you get the job of your dreams, but I’m wondering how long until that takes effect? Is there anything I’m missing or need to do in the meantime while I’m waiting for my diploma to really take effect?

You remember when you were off to University and so was most of your class? That's the problem right there, being nothing special. You've delayed leaving school by three, four, seven years and those few doltish fellas who became plumbers or whatever are already driving BMW's and own a palace in Chingford, while you've just got the memory of sundry sordid sexual encounters and the weight of cheap alcohol dragging on your bones. Plus, y'know, all that money owed. Being clever didn't really work out, hey? Best advice is to focus on something you love, person or job or artwork, and offset that against another decade of debt-chiselling misery. Sorry.

Dear Disorder,

After reading about The Clash and other true punk rock bands that stayed clear of the Capitalist music industry machine, I’ve got an itch to start a revolution of my own. I can find a plethora of literature on the subject of how they went about their radical mission, but I can’t seem to find anything on how they actually changed the world – they most obviously did if they’re in the history books. How do you start and maintain a Revolution? How could I start and maintain my own as we drown in this world of Capitalist issues and political agendas? How can I be more like the members of The Clash?

A revolution is just going around in a circle, which you can surely do, until you get dizzy and fall over. The Clash didn't accomplish shit, which is why we still have poverty, racism and a monarchy. Their achievement was making good songs and addressing political issues. At the same time. But they probably enjoyed their biggest audience when they sold a song for a Levi’s ad. You want to start a revolution? Put down the books. Put down the smartphone. Close the laptop. Start spreading a message of love to the people around you until you get nailed to a tree.

 

Dear Disorder,

I don’t like the cold months and want a boyfriend to snuggle up with until spring. My plan is to go on a load of dates, but I’m a bit worried about the physical part. What is the right pace? Are there rules for putting out or whatever? I don’t want to seem too chilly, but I know guys take advantage if you don’t have a plan of resistance.

I used to know this guy whose holy grail was a 15-min shag: from hello to penetration in quarter of an hour. But he lived in Spain; things are different there. Sadly, when it comes to knocking boots, there are no rules. For single gay men, simply making eye contact is an invitation to oral sex. Some girls have quasi-guidelines such as: if he buys you dinner in a good restaurant, give him a blowjob; if he takes you away for the weekend, consent to a shag… But it’s a grey area: user discretion advised. In fact, why are you asking me? What you stick in your body is your deal.

Dear Disorder,

My boss has been hitting on me. I've been interning at this place for a while, and I like the people and the work. There's no threat of the guy advancing my career, we just got close – but he's older and married. I'm just trying to get away clean. How do I handle the attention?

If you only have one job as an intern, it's avoiding the guy in the office who sleeps with the interns. I mean, ewww. That said, the older, attached man is every girl's and boy’s rite of passage (ask your mum, or your camp uncle). It's even in the cliché answer about past lovers: "Only two my darling, the young boy who broke my heart and the older man who taught me to fuck." Since you're drawing interest as an intern, you’ll be dealing with this crap your entire twenties. Then you'll either have babies/adopt a rescue dog or evolve into some intern-swallowing cougar/bear. Before that, you'll surely give in to curiosity, so best bag a silver fox you actually like, and who actually likes you. If he's just after a shag, and he’s likely to blab, move right along. And if he's too pushy, kick him in the nuts and douse him with pepper spray. Best practice is to keep work and love separate, but no-one does, so get used to it.

Dear Disorder,

I’ve always had issues with housemates whether it’s them not cleaning up their dishes or stealing all of my furniture. I finally found a flatmate who seems to be a great fit: he cleans up after himself, he mostly keeps to himself, and he makes these delicious meals that he’s only too happy to share. However, there are a few things… Sometimes when I walk by his room, the smell can be so bad that it makes my eyes water. His personal hygiene seems to be in order, but his room just reeks. I’ve made some passing comments about it and he gets a tad weird and insists that he’ll fix it, but never to go in his room. I’m assuming it’s some rotting food as I’ve noticed that some kitchen cutlery has gone missing and the smell does eventually go away, only to return a few days later. And he plays some really strange European screaming rock music that puts my teeth on edge. It’s never too late into the night, nor is it too loud, but the banging noises and the weirdly realistic human screams put me off tending to my bonsai garden. He is a great guy if not a little odd, what should I do?

Like the TV show Hannibal, huh? Like a little fake gothic and plastic gore? Dream of being eaten (out?) by handsome Dane Mads Mikkelsen? Yeah, I see through your serial killer fantasy bullshit. Now fuck off back to your Twilight books and leave us alone.

 

In the next issue: “Bedroom” tips from a Scandinavian sex worker. Send your dilemmas to submissions@disordermagazine.com 

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