So I’m wandering through the chemist the other day, as I often do as I am obsessed to a weird degree with places like Boots, and it was one of those old fashioned chemists, you know, family run type things where you can find make up in shades not known to human skin tones and perfumes with names like Charlie (do they still sell this shiz, it smells like Eau De Toilet) and Shazam and I’m browsing away, hoping to find some gem of a product and I see something along the lines of this….
I know that women, in the time of war, sacrificed their nylons and drew lines up the backs of their legs to imitate the stocking seam, but in this time of denier heaven surely the need for spraying on your bloody tights is a little diminshed?
They didn’t have a full range of colours in stock, mostly it was this colour that I can only describe as the colour of a latex mask they use in special fx departments. It was truly vile. I read the back and you can go swimming in them! Well, wearing it. You need to soap and scrub to get it off.
So the question is, how high do you spray? Knee highs? To the top of the thigh? What do you do when your legs go streaky? What’s the difference between this and a fake tan? And where are the variety of colours? I don’t wear nude tights, I wear black or colours. Surely I can just get a spray can and go for it? What happens if my legs are a little razor-neglected? Is this stuff thick and coats me like emulsion or will I be sitting on the train with black hairs poking through? Okay, now I am making myself feel sick.
Conclusion – take on your lady repsonsibilities and step up to the plate… wear REAL stockings!
However, if they ever make the make up tool that was in The Fifth Element, wtf do I sign up?
PS – The Blackout’s new single ‘STFUppercut’ has come in a reused Cd which once was ‘Come and Get Your Love (Lolly Vegas) by the Real McCoy. Nice one.
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